I woke up at 6 this morning, after having a nightmare of TG, where I was stuck in a dreamland, I couldn’t move my body, but I was awake and tripping. I kept saying “I’m tripping can you hear me” and she could see me and my body and was very callous, as if I was something gross that she was forced to deal with because of my own inabilities. That was definitely an echo to the feelings I have toward this relationship right now. I had a day or two of solid stomach relief from the stress of thinking how likely this relationship is over, and my stomach hurts again. Fuck this quaking mess inside me.
I guess it also didn’t help that when I went to the bedroom at 3 or 4, she didn’t really give me any affection. I’m not sure what will become of any of this. A little more raw again today, but I feel like I’m being very deliberate with everything I am doing, and that feels really good. Journaling feels good again.
I love you. I miss you. Someone out there is ready to cherish you. I know it.
I think more than being specifically sober, it is more important to be sober minded. I think, being able to be with yourself without needing stimulation, to calm yourself and appreciate the moment without guilt or hurry or an inner welling desire to have to be is a greater mindset to have. The more I go to these Aa meetings, the less I want to never drink again.
Crunchy Kodamas 