Sometimes time feels impatient. I met with Sean yesterday and it was truly an enjoyable conversation, I must have more INFP friends. I know often times I do get trapped in my own thinking, get stuck in my house. I should bring out my friend to a park more often – a book of mine, and fellowship with him with this beautifully cold dead text we call script and journaling.
Sean said that he probably wouldn’t have put up with the shit I did in this relationship. A sobering thought. I have put up with much too much and it has made me a weaker man. I have traded in my self worth for the idea that a relationship would build me up. I need to build me up. Especially when the emotional depth is not enough to even feel understood. How can I invest my identity into someone who doesn’t even know who they are? It’s putting my psyche willfully into the shadows. It’s plucking three eyes out to combine two faces. That might be a terrible analogy, but I get it.
It was very odd going to Aa, so much pain and suffering in that group that has destroyed so much, it reminds me of spending time with the homeless, it reminds me of how much I desperately need my own Sangha, it reminds me how emotionally unfulfilled I am, it reminds me how not so bad of a problem I have, it reminds me how hard it is for other people to disentangle their emotions from their perceptions.
I really do enjoy spending time with myself. I forgot how much I don’t need my friend alcohol to be the third wheel in that time. I don’t think I ever stopped loving myself, but I did forget to show it. I was careless with myself. I did become mindless. I need to saturate in a park and read. I need to saturate in a park and write to myself to remind myself how much I love myself. I need to remind myself that peoples’ biases have no reflection on who I am and what I’m worth and how much I actually try. I feel like my house has been dedicated to the god of Chaos, and not the cool one Sheogorath, but the shitty one from Mexico, SheoXactlatl.
I do feel I own TG and TG feels she owns me. We purchased each other with the currency of blood, sweat, tears and the surety of each others’ future. We became the caretakers of each others decisions. We Loaned out our future prosperity to pay for our current suffering.
If I would have gone to Aa earlier, I would have been freed. Not by the shackles that alcohol has gripped me by, but the disease of hopelessness and powerlessness that this relationship has fettered with us both. I do not own TG, but it feels like I own her future displeasures, her future mistakes, her future embarrassment. How do I let go of these agents of guilt and mania? These tribesmen of internal chaos and deceit? These creators of internal quaking messes?
What is suffering that compares to a future without you (TG)? How is that seen as romantic and not a hedonist sickness (Medical term for behavior that is very unhealthy)?
What to do now. Not sure, with still about a month and a half before we go, Not sure how I can deal with these emotions and still stay here. I need to figure out how to let go of TG’s future or it will continue to make me sick.
Crunchy Kodamas 