Sometimes there’s just a simple need for tender comfort in a Love’s arms. I remember sitting on the farm outside and having an overwhelming sense of unease with my spirit. My emotions like bubbling over magma inside of me. The only thing I could do at the time was meditate, alone. The practice that yielded the most results was empathy practice. Though quieting the mind and connecting with the body did create some sense of ease, the feeling was somewhat flighty and finicky. The monkey brain was winning. I remember around my second or third hour of empathy practice, I started to feel a connectedness, to the collective unconscious of love and well being.
It wasn’t that feeling alone wasn’t hard, but at least it made sense, and I had a balm for the wound. I also felt a certain clarity, like a sailor amidst bad weather, I could see how to take advantage of the wind.
I feel like I don’t have access to that mindset again, and I’m not sure why. It makes me feel a sense of loss, and I feel sad for it.
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I also remember waking up to them fighting and Randy being upset at the dogs, semi-yelling almost every morning. Sometimes he would say the same thing to Melissa as had said to the dogs. Classic family statements in anger “You never listen!” “How many times do I have to tell you!”. Every morning was like seeing small cracks in the perfect family, which made them perfectly normal. For as much as I envy their choices, I do not want that family. Many friends who have given valiant attempts to develop those families are also families I don’t want. I don’t want Jessie’s family, or Lindsey’s or Josh’s or Mari’s. They are like shipwrecks staying afloat by the use of buckets and sheer force of will stuck in my mental diorama of relationships. That leaves me where? Where are the successful relationships in my model of beings given to love?
Is it in avoiding the fracturing of meaning with inaccurate sentiments? Overheated speech during an emotional moment?
I also find myself waking up in this house with an overbearing sense of dread. Not necessarily that something bad will happen, as much as something bad is happening. Similar to my night terrors I used to have. Is it this place? Is it the ghost of my mother?
Crunchy Kodamas 